Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Grieving the Relationship

I found this to be an inspired, meticulous and empathetic detailing of the grief experience. Truly amazing. ~Invicta

Author: nickyskye

Subject: grieving a N

My heart goes out to you in your recovery. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a N has many layers. They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person. The problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of a N relationship, which are not understood by the 'civilian' population and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant relationship with a N.

In a healthy relationship break-up one grieves:

  • The dream of love not continuing.
  • The break in the continuity of the familiar.
  • The pain of saying goodbye.
  • The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting.
  • A sense of loss.
  • Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do together, broken memories of past pleasures.
  • Hope interrupted.
  • Well wishing put aside for self-survival.

Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a healthy relationship.

But grieving a N there are other ingredients, not available to the public understanding, such as:

  • The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
  • Discovering the web of lies on many levels.
  • Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of NS (narcissistic supply*). That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
  • The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda.
  • Not being believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-up.
  • Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one loved.
  • Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".
  • Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but always dangerous. [I'm not certain closure is possible. ~Invicta]
  • When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'. That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in one's loving prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond memories.
  • But with a xN, news of their present life always bring chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not important to them, was it all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's need for NS one cannot help thinking will they come back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss?
  • But in the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless NS.
  • After the detachment is physically complete with a N there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss.

Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole in one's life.

Love, Nicky

[*NS, 'narcissistic supply' is the wholesale attention, involvement, giving to the narcissist. ~Invicta]

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on this site after freeing myself from a very typical relationship with an N-abuser. I have and continue to suffer and it is such a relief to see all the dynamics I could not grasp at the time listed on this site. However I don't feel too much of a victim for some reason. He targeted me, took advantage of a very vulnerable moment in my life and seduced me with talk of love, such talk as would make an iceberg melt, then the abuse began. It messed with my head and the heads of those around me. But I learned so much in a way, I learned it a terribly hard way, but I did. I come away with pain and bewilderment, but also with the knowledge that I go on, I have love in my life, I have people who care for me and I have a good future. He does not. He has pain, isolation, lonliness and never the chance of experiencing true intimacy. The parts of him which were not damaged - maybe his intellect - also fed me in a positive way. Perhas the price for access to those was too high, but I still walk away having had my eyes opened to things I'd never seen or thought about before. I see him alone in his old age, gibbering and isolated wherever he is, and he will be alone - I have no doubts, and I feel pity. We have one life and this is the way he will spend it. I wish my 6 month involvement had never happened, I wish he's been all I'd fantasised, but it did happen and I can get closure myself and I can let it go and I can return to life much stronger than before. I was his victim, yes, but he is a bigger one, a victim of terrible bad luck to be so disabled.

lighteyes said...

Excellent post...I also was a victim in a relationship of an N...he would shower me with love, affection, gifts. Told me he wanted to marry me within 1 month, wanted to have a child together. It is amazing, he believes that he does not have a problem, I can't help that at all. He since moved on to the new supply and has her on the same pedistal. Smoozing her the same way he did me, candles, dinners, expensive cars (well borrowed), trips, sex. Then the verbal abuse, the punishment if things do not go his way. The fog lifts eventually. I too was hurt but yes it is their disability, and glad I got out of it when I did.

Anonymous said...

11 years in this relationship. I should have listened to my inner voice. I told him, "you will destroy my life". We have been married for 5 1/2 years. All along the entire relationship has been a lie. March 2008, I discovered he was having an affair for 3 years in our marriage. This past year and a half has been hell. Trying to get him out. After finding filthy incriminating things on my computer, I put him out. One week later he hide in the wood and shot at me with a hunting rifle. The bullet just missed me. 11 years of this disgusting nonsense. All the while I am trying to run a business and be active in the community, while this other part of me is a pretender of the evil kind.I am not a stupid person! I knew all along that something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. Thank you for this site and the postings. I thank God I am still alive and will get over this.

Anonymous said...

So I'm not alone. Thank-you, all of you for sharing your stories. He not only had no regard for me,or my kids, he still blames me. We work at the same institution and though it is big enough we don't see each other often when I do I shake inside,grieving for the eight years he took from me. He took all of my so called friends away from me. The charmer. No one has anything to do with me anymore. I am angry at him one day, in love with him the next, then angry at myself the third. It continues like this. he wakes me up at night. I want to hurt him back. Trying to just move on and date other men...I guess the anger is still transparent though. Very tough. I went through the death of both of my parents with him...not one ounce of support....loss of a job....loss of health....loss of the ability to focus and laugh...and he blames me. I've never cried over him or my parents and really wish I could get to that stage. I just seem to be bracing myself from any further assaults,reducing my life to ..........not sure what...

michaelle musician said...

I am trying to get over a 4 year dating relationship. He pulled me in quick, pretended I was the one, and treated me well and plenty of sex and romance and travel. then the passive aggressive behaviour started and blaming and criticizing and gaslighting. He pulled me in and pushed me away while claming to be a victim of his mother and his alcoholic exwife. He was intelligent, handsome, charming, athletic, and such the lover. He demanded I tell him stories about my previous sex life to get him excited and i made most of it up for fun and later he told these stories like facts to make me seem like a sordid woman when I told the truth about him. He did not seem like a player and was extremely well spoken, successful, and a great dad to his kids. He would say I love you but I am not in love and break up with me but then come back and say I am sorry I did not mean it. Please forgive me etc. finally he did leave for real but I did not realize it. WE were still having sex but he had already started a new affair within days and finally a friend tipped me off. He blamed me and then there was more lies, sex, and just crazy stuff. Finally he found his new supply and then tried to be Mr. Nice guy and lets be friends. I talked to the ex and found out he told me all lies of her and so I sent a letter to the new N supply and told her the truth of my relationship. He lied to the police and got a Temporary restraining order against me claiming he was in danger and that I had a history of assaults etc. It was all lies but I had to go to court to defend myself for the battering of my own spirit. I told the judge the truth and he recommended a mediation so he failed at getting a permanent restraining order against me. He was trying to use the court to cover up his lies. In mediation, I said did you tell your new woman I was arrested for assault and he said I dont remember. I feel bad a lot of time, missing who I thought he was and feeling so awful that he could treat me so badly when I was so kind and understanding to him but I know he is sick and at least the new supply was warned. I hope to find new love but so far no luck and I feel like I do not trust men anymore.

Anonymous said...

Having a Ph.D. in Counseling as well as more than 2 decades of being a counselor, I can tell you the emotional, mental and spiritual holocaust involves more than "grieving the relationship." I have buried loved ones and I have grieved lost relationships. Yet, THE AWAKENING from an N relationship involves processes beyond grieving a relationship. Instead, it involves AWAKENING to find all that you lived and believed about the N, and your "relationship" with the N was a lie, a sham, a partnership with emptiness, a disorienting dance with evil. Then, you have to relive all those moments but this time "live them in truth" without the excuse making for N, and the high level of empathy, compassion, and tolerance. You have to admit the N is NOT a nice person, and as Dr. Scott Peck indicates, the N is EVIL. In fact, my exN often referred to himself as a "cold, hard, nasty, mother expletives" as I would be his emotional cheerleader and say, "Please don't say that about yourself. You are a nice guy, and you can be a nice guy." I should have really listened to what he said about himself yet it was all tangled in the N web of idealize, devalue, abuse. Even more, if you have children with the N, then you grieve their losses as well, and as many of us know, those losses will be lifelong for our children because the N is incapable of authentic love. Thus, the grieving of one lost lifetime is interwoven with the greiving and yes, even guilt, of your child's past, present, and future losses of having an N parent. Added to all this are people who understand "grieving real relationships" and tell you to "get over it...move on...," but they have no understanding or comprehension of the evilness you endured, survived, and have to prepare your children to endure and survive. If I could send only one clear message to N's family members, it would be "Live in truth and DO NOT whitewash the N's abusive behaviors." Blessings to all of us who have endured the disorienting dance with an evil N.

Anonymous said...

happy to find these posts about grieving the end of relationship with psychopath. My question child is 3 and a half. We left, that is escaped with only the clothes on our back about a year ago. My child still vaguely remembers him. How to i explain to child, the dad is a psychopath? and at what point. How do i protect my child. Very scared and worried for child's future.

Anonymous said...

I too am extremely happy to have found this site. I was simply looking to find some resource that would help me with greiving, but this has opened my eyes. I have always known somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind that my husband of 1.5 years (turmoiltuous dating period for 8years) was an N, but I thought that I could handle it. After breaking it off with him and getting the strenght to move on, I fell into a very desperate period in my life and guess who came to the rescue with money and diamonds, marriage and the promise of a child. After 1.5 years of being married to him, I have felt things that no one should. While I have a long way to go to become financially stable after several years in graduate school, I have done ok and yet I am subject to constant belittlement, alienation, financial blackmail, emotional abuse with bordering physical abuse. I was so happy when he went out of the country to take care of an ailing parent, that in an attempt to get love, respect and attention, I fell into the clutches of an ex-N lover, who then took over where my husband left off. I now feel really feel like crap and Iam doing all I can to make it through each day. I am in disbeif that I continue to do this to myself and allow them to abuse me and take advantage of my need and desire to love them. I have terminated the ex-N and Iam now working toward divorcing my husband-hopefully I can do it while he is still away and I do not have to suffer the N-rage.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this valuable insight into the grieving that happens following the break up from a narcissist. I find myself going through the feelings of loss and then feel that I am recovering, but then the overwhelming grief keeps coming back. It's like being in some sort of crazy loop.
It is so hard to understand the feelings and why I cannot just get over it as I would have done with a relationship break-up with a normal person. Looking through your post I can see the reasons why it hurts so much more after a break up with a Narcissist. Seeing it written out in front of me has helped to ease the confusion. I will try look at your post again whenever I feel longing for the unhealthy "relationship" I was in.
I am getting there bit by bit. One day my rose coloured specs will be in the trash). My heart goes out to anyone who has been hurt by a narcissist. I wish you peace to your hearts, be strong.
It's so helpful to know people DO understand.
Thank you Invicta.

Mark said...

Dearest Nicky.......words cannot express my gratitude to you for this beautiful and heartfelt post! I have now read it at least FIVE time and am move to tears and a profound sense of grief each and every time. You simply nailed all of it.......we loved.....yes....but for the N or worse.....the NBPD.....we were simply "supply"....or NS. Roll the tears, roll the grief, roll the self hatred and anger.... "What was I thinking?" All that time, all that effort, all that emotion, all that money!! And worse.....all their lies!! We were working a "straight line" and they were working us!!

God Bless you, Nicky and Invicta, you have meant so much to so many!!

Here's to a life of healing and wholeness for "NONS"

Anonymous said...

Ouch.I had a short term relationship with an N years ago that left me devestated and in confusion,because one minute he was madly in love,then ..just gone.I never understood what *I*could have done wrong,and never really got over it.Almost 20 years later,he reappears,and is miserable in his marriage and whispering sweet nothings again.Of course i fell for it.he has left his wife,and we still havent seen each other because we are a few thousand miles away,but i have done everything for him from afar,always there,no matter what time,day or night i would call if he asked me too,etc.Then my sister commited suicide,and when i needed him the most,he made himself very scarce.His ex-wifes therapist said that he was an N,she told him,he told me and he thought it was funny.My sister,who works for psychiatrists also told me he was an N,and of course i made excuses for his behavior.After being on an emotional roller coaster for almost a year,i found this site,just to see.I was shocked ay how many of the stories sounded familiar,and when it comes to NS,i could give classes in it.I am trying to remove myself from the situation,as i am being ignored(again)but if he doesnt hear from me he will write,like nothing ever happened,and i know that i need to stay away.but after all these years of imagining him to be something he most ceertainly is not,it is hard to give up the dream.

Sini said...

The terrible thing about a narcissistic relationship is, that it prostitutes the highest human values – integrity, empathy, love, responsibility, caring. They all become perverted and turn into lies. The victim becomes a lifeless object - to be used, abused and discarded – with no human value - like a concentration camp inmate. I recently finally broke up with my abuser, and am struggling with the fact that what was claimed to be the greatest love, was no love at all. All my sincerity, giving and love were unable to awaken any love in return. Was I worth so little, one asks. Thank you, Invicta and Nicky - this website has been a lifeline for me.

pixie-envy said...

I have stumbled on this site because for the past 3 years I have had this man in my life that I thought was the one. He has made my life a living hell. He is in medical school with me and at the start of our friendship he is the one that initiated sex and romance. He was all about me for two months and then when I found out he had erectile problems he freaked out and didn't call for two weeks. He then told me he didn't want a relationship and wanted to see others. Well of course he came back, then called me loose and blamed me for his penis problems. We stopped talking for a month but guess what? He kept texting me, kept calling and I would go back. Finally after a year and a half he officially made me his girlfriend. I was going through a lot at the time, my mom was dying with stage 4 lung ca and he promised to see me through everything. In that time I thought he loved me, after all why did he come back to me and make me his? But the problems soon started. My mom died....and then I got pregnant because i was only on pills since he can't wear a condom with his erectile problems. He wouldn't offer any help so I got an abortion. The whole time I cried hyserically they all knew I didn't want to do it, and I knew too but he just looked at me. He wouldn't even hold my hand and he never offered to help me if I kept it. In fact, the days leading up to it he would joke and call me Juno. The night after it he made it all about him and wanted to know why I was acting so strange and why I was mad at him. (I had called him selfish when I was drugged up). The next morning he made me tell him how great a boyfriend he was for two hours and he had me sobbing hysterically. He kept telling me how it was the worst he ever felt and how could I call him selfish. I just didn't want to fight so of course I kissed his butt. After that his behavior has been the same. He is withdrawn when we argue, a "mask" of emotionlessness comes over his face when we argue, he abandons me when we argue, any arguement we get into he always turns on me, he contradicts everything, I am becoming sick physically and mentally. My memory is becoming bad. I can't remember things I did two days ago. He has me confused and at a low level of stress at all times. He told me two weeks ago he doesn't love me and then told me with contempt it was my fault for what I did to him in the past. He looks at incest and child porn on his computer, and he wants to be a pediatrician. I know I should leave, but of course this piece explains why I stay....what I would grieve if I gave up my N. It's so painful, plus to know that I gave up my baby, that I chose this evil satanic monster over my baby.....well it breaks my heart. I just can't seem to accept that it has all been for nothing.

Anonymous said...

I am sitting here absolutely distraught after the end of a 7 year "friendship", my counsellor calls it a "quasi- relationship" with an N (a co-worker). I accepted this non relationship completely on his terms, occassional sex, flirting, etc. because I believed he was damaged and over time the relationship would flourish. I would be his friend when he needed me.When I read the entries above it is the only source of comfort I have. I cannot explain to my friends the sense of grief, or the feelings of being belittled and used. He has now moved onto a "fully fledged" open relationship with a woman he meet a few months ago. At work most regard him as funny,charming and hard working and so it is difficult to explain my grief. Your description of the sense of loneliness trying to cope with this is very accurate. I must believe there is a kinder future ahead.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on this site as well just coming out of a relationship with a N. Wow all my feeling wrapped up into every thing I have read here. Could never really put my finger on what I was dealing with till some one suggested by hereing me share in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting about what I was going through.I decided to get some info and came to this site. I have been in this relationship for over 6 years and finally said I had enough. The whole relationship was centered in his problems 247 never getting any support for any thing that I was going through at the time and always feeling alone but always being supportive for him. He has since moved on to another girl in recovery and the down side of this is I still have to see him in some of the functions that recovery puts on. The best part of all this is not feeling like I will be missing out after reading this site I feel much better about letting go and no longer being taken for granted on what I can supply to some who is so undeserving of my love and my life.I to have people in my life that love me and support me. This relationship was nothing but draining for me emotionally and he did put me on a pedistal my mistake was thinking that it was real love and the need to be loved so much by another person and the promise of being married blah blah blah it was never gonna happen. The best part about all this is his family members got a real glimps of the taker he really is and will never finance any thing else for him. The sad part of all this there will be another victom to supply him with what he needs. Once I started doing things for myself that did not involve him it made it easier for him to start trolling looking for new prey and It did not take him long so much for feeding into the lies of what I can know see.

Anonymous said...

2 go arounds with the same N and i have finally learned my lesson. although the relationship in total only lasted a year, almost every post i've read describes the relationship i have finally managed to end. yes, the intensity of those first few months of compliments, promises, romance, sex and then bang - the blindesiding, the criticisms (from everything to my long hair to my dish washing skills). he insisted in calling me Doctor (i am a phd), but in the beginning it was with respect, and towards the end, the "dr" was spoken with clear disdain and envy. yes - being a person with great clinical experience in personality disorders, we survivors of these people must remember that what they suffer from is ENVY - an envy that speaks to wanting to destroy what is good in another - comes in the form of crapping on the very things they said they loved about you in the beginning, to crapping on anyone that has anything that can be perceived as more beautiful, more secure (financially, emotionally etc) more desirable etc. he even referred to his daughters as "bitches" - all women to him were "bitches!" his disappearing acts after a disagreement would make copperfield blush - and then flowers would arrive and now i realize that throughout all of this - he actually never apologized for his bad behavior - and i cannot tell you how many times i've apologized for the most silly things. he accused me of "abandoning" him after the first time i broke up with him - who could tolerate his verbal covert and overt abuses? when he would do his "bait and switch" i would refer to them as his "travis bickle" moments. scarey. luciferien. frightening. thank god i am out.

Anonymous said...

I feel blessed that my N was only a fling really...2 months on and then a couple months interaction/arguing via email and then I went NC.
I live in a town population 10,000 and yet somehow have not run into him for FOUR MONTHS . Then ran into him recently. Ignored him but he approached and was condescending and tried to start up a convo. I cut it off immediately and showed no emotion even though he even attempted to sting me or bait me in his second sentence. I know now what he is and so it didn't come as THAT much of a surprise but i feel uneasy as i could run into him at any time and even though i know to just brush him off, ignore him, give him no NS..not positive, or negative...i still am a little shaken as i wonder if he will approach again, having not gotten his intended outcome: control/NS or whatever. And if he does, will he shoot another verbal poison dart? How long will THAT one shake me up for?
CRAZY stuff...i only dated this guy for TWO MONTHS . Going from idealized to devalued was the worst part for me. Made me feel sick. Still does, sometimes. AMazing to me ...i spent 10+ years with my babydaddy who was verbally and emotionally abusive but NOT a N..he was just unequipped to behave in an emotionally mature fashion. We are separated five years now and he is in the kid's lives , lives in this town and i never run into HIM either but when i do it's jovial and we can get along, and do stuff with the kids together. I genuinely wish him well in life, I don't think he's quite there yet to reciprocate but he's growing and getting there. Now with the N, i spent only 2 months (after he chased me for 2 years on and off then went full-on courting and caught me) and yet this guy, THIS one shook me up disproportionately.
Everything written in this article is eerie to me in how we all go through the same stuff. Feeling like we've been hit over the head by a pile of bricks at some point during our (however brief) relationship with the N and all the time it takes to fully digest what happened and the stages of grief are definitely different and scarier than losing a normal love relationship. It's been almost six months since we were last romantic/intimate/dating and i was doing well until i saw him the other day and he had the gall to try to get NS from me?! After i clearly told him FOUR MONTHS ago to get lost? Why now? Was he feeling all full and confident that day and decided to poke me to see if I bled or if i was of any use to him?
thanks for this article and this site.

mgarner said...

I still feel a sense of loss, and after 3 months of not seeing the N, I keep questioning the entire "relationship" that never was. I feel insane yet I feel a calm that is growing.

I realize I will never "get over it" as in a healthy relationship. I will soon forget him, but not the turmoil, and the lessons learned. No one knows the pain until you fall under the spell.
I also was idealized at first, then toward the end, nasty questioning of my sexuality trying to paint me as a loose woman. I agree it is envy, at its' worst. I could see that he envied the good in me, the sweet that he claimed to like at first. The hit from a pile of bricks- all so confusing. I think I need thereapy, and I only had a fling for a few months. So many red flags I chose to ignore.
I don't know why I was chosen to fall, but simply assume I needed to learn the lesson, to be humbled. I am learning to accept life as is. Good and bad. I am happy to at least find a community of others in similar situations.

Anonymous said...

I am old enough to have lost significant people in my life, but the loss of the narcissist (in my case, my aging mother through NC) is unique.

Fully letting go has left my mind significantly more quiet and left a strange emptiness.

My brain's real estate that she claimed as her own, but was never hers is now mine. So while it is a good thing, it also presents a challenge to care for that new space and replace the noise with something healthy.

And while I am grateful for that, I am also angry. Not only can I now see what she wrongfully took from me, but I now have to get acquainted with this part of me and learn to take care of it.

Getting part of yourself back is not part of normal grieving.

Anonymous said...

My partner of 4 years was married to a woman who had Narcissistic PD, Borderline PD and Histrionic PD for over 20 years. She made his life hell, and it finally resulted in her murdering his 3 children to stop him gaining custody. This has had immensely far reaching effects to everyone concerned, and like ripples on a pool, the hurt goes on and on. Despite being in a happy relationship with me he has now decided to end 'us' as he feels that he can no longer be in a relationship, with me or anyone else, and admits he still has hang ups with his marriage with his wife. After reading this posts on breaking up from a N, I feel that if only he would talk about this in more depth. This has absolutely destroyed me and I feel that I am also the victim of this N, despite never even meeting her. Hes a good man been completely destroyed by the N's actions, in the worst way imaginable. He has nothing left, however I feel that we could have moved on and been happy together, and maybe eventually have had a family of our own. Something to give him a purpose in life again, with someone who loves him and appreciates him for who he is, and not for what she can get from him. His wife was a parasite who took him for everything and gave nothing back. Absolutely nothing. Now he has shut down from me completely, and I know deep down he has lost trust in relationships again after his wife. He says he doesnt know how he feels about me, despite saying how much I meant to him, and how much he loves me, and that he didnt want to lose me, but this was what was best for him. What do I do? How can I get through to him. Im at my wits end. It doesnt feel right for us to be breaking up, and its left me completely devastated both for myself and for him.

Anonymous said...

Getting part of yourself back is not part of normal grieving.

Thank you Anonymous! I separated from my N yesterday after starting an argument so I could get out of the relationship. I didn't trust him...PERIOD. How can you trust a N! They lie to everyone including themselves! The worst part is knowing you meant nothing to them...it's just that you're not bright and shiney anymore and they are moving on...or already have moved on...to another NS. It was the best sex i've had just because of the wonderful connection I thought we had...lies. My wound is wide open and i'm hoping to close it with a healthier and happier ME! I am working on taking it one day at a time because as they say....time heals all wounds. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I am greiving the loss of an N the woman of my dreams I thought she was...
Two and a half years of broken promises, mental, psychical and emotional abuse, manipulation, brainwashing
I feel like such a fool I'm hurting so much and so ashamed of letting her treat me the way she did over and over allways feeling sorry for her and sacrificing my own self respect, happiness and sanity to be her "protector" to make her feel good about herself and wanted and made to feel like expecting 1% of it back was asking too much being irrational like there was something wrong with me that I'm needy or clingy
Never apologising for the various abuses and twisting it do that I feel guilty for pointing out her unacceptable, immature and at times downright sadistic and evil behaviours
So deeply madly in love with the facade thrown up to mimic all my wants and needs blind to the emptiness behind the mask but allways even at the best of times feeling there's something just not right like the ticking of a hidden bomb
But after a while you start to notice a repetion in their behaviour almost as if there's only a certain amount of reel on their tape
The same off hand comments aimed at undermining your confidence repeat as if they have a limited repertoire and you begin to realise that its not paranoia this person you care for so much so totally devoted to is actually trying to hurt you, trying to undermine you to keep you feeling weak so they can control you so they feel superior and powerful the only way they can feel pleasure
You begin to develop a thicker hide and see the mind games for what they are and don't react anymore just laugh or smile act as if your two friends playfully teasing
The N becomes confused and uncomfortable and eventually enraged lashing out verbally and when that dosnt elicit a response then physicaly
The mask comes off
The emptiness underneath is revealed
There is only a scared, nasty, needy, selfish, cold, uncaring shell of a real person in there
A spoilt petulant brat of a child
They arnt here in reality with the rest of us
Thats when it really hurts
The person you loved was never there
There is no real them they create a part to play for whomever they feel they can extract NS from
I'm hurting so much it's been two weeks since I last saw her I've been drinking heavily not eating or sleeping properly chain smoking but somehow still working every day
I never want to see her again
I would love to see the girl I thought she was so much I miss her so bad so much it's intolerable I'm in hell
But I know she never really existed
I'm scared to death of what comes next now I've decided finally to turn my back on her
N revenge
She will probably sleep with my friends
Spread lies about me
Try to undermine my buisness
Maybe even try to have me hurt
I dont know what to expect and what I can put past her
They really are evil

But I can't help but feel pity
They are stuck inside themselves
And they will never escape

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above comment so much! I'm right here with ya man. My ex N completely tore me apart. The lies, manipulation, the lack of empathy towards anything you might be feeling have completely left me in shambles. She left me and I continued trying to get her back because I cared and loved her so much(or at least the person I thought she was) always thinking I did something wrong for her to act this way and treat me the way she did. The reality was she was just stringing me along making me belive that I had a chance but nothing I could do would fix anything. I was just her supply for seven long months after the break-up until I found out about this disorder and many, many of her lies . I then confronted her on everything. This didn't help in the least but the anger and resentment was to much for me to hold on to. I should of just went NC but I wasn't strong enough. I wish I could of saved my dignity but I allowed her to take that to. I'm one month out now for the first time in two years of contact with this nightmare and I belive its gonna be a very long road to fully recovering. Absolute worst thing I've been through in my life. It's just good to know others have experienced these people and I'm not the only one. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I am four months out of a relationship with a N and still undergoing psychology sessions to overcome the trauma. The grief from the ending of a normal relationship is vastly different from that of ending a relationship with a N. The effects of the relationship leaves the abused with such distrust, such emptiness, questioning constantly 24/7 of oneself and the N mentally. It is a roller coaster ride and I wake throughout the night with events springing to mind, revelations of things that happened. I ended the relationship 5 times before I eventually stopped it completely. A highly intelligent and well educated man who said he had been hurt by every woman he had opened up to, he played on my sympathies and caring nature. He said he just wanted to be loved deeply and cared for and know he would not be hurt. All the while he was constantly dating others, had active dating profiles where he was lining up dates, but kept saying we were exclusive (but no commitment) and that he was growing into me. I showed anger in text and each time I was made out to be the wrong one in the relationship. Gaslighting was a constant exercise of his, pulling me in with his charm yet cruely making it known that I had to work on myself to be more caring and submissive to gain love. His cruelty even involved coming to my home and after sex he would say "who are you.....Sandy, Julie...or that's right you're angela". He quoted the bible saying people don't get angry at someone they love. Here is a man who cheated on his wife for the last 3 years of his marriage and said it was a behavioural choice and not a moral choice. Even as recent as 4 weeks ago he texted and used his manhood to try to get to me by saying "Every time I talk to you I get an erection. What would you suggest". In the same text he told me he was in a relationship with a beautiful woman and off to an overseas vacation. He has since returned and is back on the dating sites looking for his next victim/s. This man is a post grad with a PHd and used his words so carefully, lied constantly and cheated vigourously. He reeled me in with his charm, intelligence and words and I was hooked very fast. I look at what we had/didn't have with anger, bitterness, sadness, such grief for even with constant psych counselling I doubt I will ever fully repair. I spoke to him a week ago and told him I was happily in a relationship and wished him well in life. My previous messages were full of rage but after giving it thought I refuse to let him know he has damaged me, I want him to believe he has made me stronger and I am happy. I will not let him know that he brought me down. He will leave me alone now for he knows he can no longer control me but sadly he does still control my thoughts and emotions on a constant basis for hours each day. How to stop the cycle of thoughts I do not know....Have taken up hobbies, work hard, planned a trip and have great loved ones around me but it is still not enough...hopefully onde day it will pass and I will see him as I told him I see him "like a wounded animal who will be alone forever". Those thoughts keep me sane.....knowing he will never be happy but it is important that I DO find my happiness no matter how long it takes. For those who have endured the same you will know that the emotional, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of these callous, cruel people is sickening and scars for life.

Angela said...

I am four months out of a relationship with a N and still undergoing psychology sessions to overcome the trauma. The grief from the ending of a normal relationship is vastly different from that of ending a relationship with a N. The effects of the relationship leaves the abused with such distrust, such emptiness, questioning constantly 24/7 of oneself and the N mentally. It is a roller coaster ride and I wake throughout the night with events springing to mind, revelations of things that happened. I ended the relationship 5 times before I eventually stopped it completely. A highly intelligent and well educated man who said he had been hurt by every woman he had opened up to, he played on my sympathies and caring nature. He said he just wanted to be loved deeply and cared for and know he would not be hurt. All the while he was constantly dating others, had active dating profiles where he was lining up dates, but kept saying we were exclusive (but no commitment) and that he was growing into me. I showed anger in text and each time I was made out to be the wrong one in the relationship. Gaslighting was a constant exercise of his, pulling me in with his charm yet cruely making it known that I had to work on myself to be more caring and submissive to gain love. His cruelty even involved coming to my home and after sex he would say "who are you.....Sandy, Julie...or that's right you're angela". He quoted the bible saying people don't get angry at someone they love. Here is a man who cheated on his wife for the last 3 years of his marriage and said it was a behavioural choice and not a moral choice. Even as recent as 4 weeks ago he texted and used his manhood to try to get to me by saying "Every time I talk to you I get an erection. What would you suggest". In the same text he told me he was in a relationship with a beautiful woman and off to an overseas vacation. He has since returned and is back on the dating sites looking for his next victim/s. This man is a post grad with a PHd and used his words so carefully, lied constantly and cheated vigourously. He reeled me in with his charm, intelligence and words and I was hooked very fast. I look at what we had/didn't have with anger, bitterness, sadness, such grief for even with constant psych counselling I doubt I will ever fully repair. I spoke to him a week ago and told him I was happily in a relationship and wished him well in life. My previous messages were full of rage but after giving it thought I refuse to let him know he has damaged me, I want him to believe he has made me stronger and I am happy. I will not let him know that he brought me down. He will leave me alone now for he knows he can no longer control me but sadly he does still control my thoughts and emotions on a constant basis for hours each day. How to stop the cycle of thoughts I do not know....Have taken up hobbies, work hard, planned a trip and have great loved ones around me but it is still not enough...hopefully onde day it will pass and I will see him as I told him I see him "like a wounded animal who will be alone forever". Those thoughts keep me sane.....knowing he will never be happy but it is important that I DO find my happiness no matter how long it takes. For those who have endured the same you will know that the emotional, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of these callous, cruel people is sickening and scars for life.

Anonymous said...

thankyou to people who have told their stories, i have just found out my friend of 40 years is a fully blown narcissist,what can i say but i am now beginning the grieving of disbeliefe that all this time i was an object to feed her ego.I have a struggle ahead of me. keep the post coming people we need each other.

Anonymous said...

Reading these posts has made me realise that my experience is not quite so unique.
11 years of a transatlantic relationship, spending thousands of dollars in travel only to be discarded without thought when I dared to get sick and not telephone him as often. I hung around for all of this time only because I wanted to 'heal' and support him. I was abandoned in very dangerous situations and left to fend for myself whilst he was chasing other sources of NS.
It can happen to anyone, I am a professional woman with a wide experience in business yet I was duped for 11 years.
Within 2 months of his latest new relationship he was posting photographs on FB presenting his new GF as his 'other half', same old techniques, same old methods.
My only comfort is the knowledge that she is actually a hooker and is likely to give him just what he deserves, Karma at last!
I have ended my relationship twice before due to his betrayals but always fell for his apologies.
This time he told his mother that he hasn't loved me for a long time but was a coward not to let me go!
An empty charade of a relationship, how did I stay for so long, it's a mystery to me.
This time I will NEVER go back, and guess what, he's devastated we can't stay friends (NS more like!)
Thanks for listening this Christmas Eve.

Kevin Schneiderman said...

I want to take a moment and thank everyone who painfully had to share their experiences on here. Tears flowed as I read a biography of my past three years. I forced my female N out via OP a week ago and although the pain is almost unbearable I do find some comfort realizing it wasn't me and it has happened to others as well. Good luck in your healing.
Kevin.

Anonymous said...

I am just 2 weeks out of an 8 month relationship with a psychopath/N, and I am so thankful to have come across this blog. All of your stories on here have really resinated for me...I am struggling a great deal with the grieving process, and constantly shift back and forth between (what I've researched is clinically called cognitive disonnence), what was my perecption of this charming, kind, romantic, wounded soul during the idealization phase, to what became the evil, conning, manipulative, abusive (emotionally, physically, and mentally) monster in the end. I literally have gone through the entire emotional roller coaster, leading up to the most recent discard (and catching him on every dating site there is, obviously looking for his NS replacement, knowing that I was no longer supplying what he so desperately sought). I have educated myself a great deal, and am slowly starting to regain my life back...but only after loosing most of my friends, devestating my family, loosing my job, coming close to substance addiction, my health..the list just goes on. And he just doesn't care. He has 0 empathy for any of his actions--I too attempted to contront the monster, hoping so desperately for some much needed closure, but only to receive the emptiness that he has within in return. I have learned, and am still learning, that it is essential to be patient with yourself during this process, to allow yourself to go through the emotions that you feel about what happened, and to continue to read and educate yourself as much as possible, because it is the only way to TRULY come to grips with the devestation, disappointment, and emptiness that we are left with. Good luck to all of you, and stay strong :) Keep the NO CONTACT rule alive...it is a death wish otherwise. Best.

Anonymous said...

I just now discovered this site and realized it was written the day after I moved myself and my children out of our house in secret. Ex N had trapped us for a year by playing legal games and doing bizarre things. I was searching for help again because I found myself explaining yet another bizarre event to a police officer Four Years after the divorce. It's still happening and it is still bizarre. I could tell the police didn't believe me. A least here I feel people believe me. Thanks everyone!

Anonymous said...

Those who have not had to deal with a narcissist and subsequent break-up (romantic or platonic) can NEVER know the kind of damage it can do. Even the most empathetic friend. Only those of us unlucky enough to be in this club can truly understand what it does to a person. I have someone in my life (at work) who is definitely an N and I am fortifying my boundaries DAILY so that she won't pull me into her storm. It's good to be armed with the truth and I am educating my daughters about the signs of sociopath/narcissist.

Anonymous said...

Do not ever forget, regardless of your pain and suffering, that the greatest lesson you've learned is the immense love you are capable of. It may have not been returned. It may have been used and abused and even used against you. But thd bottomline is that you have loved deeply and intense. People like narcs are not able to experience such and thats their loss. Every time an event of the relationship that comes to mind again and how it hurts to know it was a lie, realize this. Realize you are inside a beautiful person who is connected to love. No matter if it was just a game for a narc. For you it wasnt and there is no shame in love, trust and believe. I still am taken a back sometimes over all i didnt see coming or didnt realize. But the truth it that i didnt know at the time. I didnt have the knowledge. Give up the urge to understand cause its because of our love and compassion we are not able to understand. Instead cheer yourself on. Learn that this love you carry is also for yourself and release the stress little by little. Take the lessons from it and leave the negative for what it is: not yours but theirs.

Anonymous said...

I would say (very unfortunately) that I have been a serial narcissist dater/long term relationship haver for many years. The first was my high school boyfriend (whom I dated for 7 years - off and on) who swept me up, made me feel safe, and then later turned into a psychopath. We eventually broke up, but the saga of Narcissists did not end there. I wound up having a child with a complete narcissitic deadbeat (although of course he presented himself as prince charming in the beginning). He did not work, smoked weed all day everyday, and spent whatever little money he got on himself. He owes thousands in child support and is busy posting pictures of FB of his weekend highlights, self-absorbed 'selfies', and photo ops from the few moments he spends with our child. Very sad. BUT, the story is STILL not over. Now, by now I'm sure you realize that there is a pattern here...It took me a long time (until now) to put all of the pieces together and realize that I had a serious problem myself, continuing to attract and entertain narcissistic losers such as these. The last and final one though by far takes the cake. We met while I was experiencing a very difficult time in my life. He was a help at first and even a shoulder to cry on. He did the typical night and shining armor act that most narcissists do. We were together for about a year when the abuse started to surface. We were at a party where he got extremely drunk and had a complete meltdown; so beligerant that someone ended up calling the cops. However, still loving the guy, I eventually took him back. Of course he 'promised' not to do it again (yeah right!) Scenes like this took place several times and continued to get worse and worse. He started calling me names (terrible names that I'm not sure I can say on this website), screaming loudly in my face and outside in front of neighbors, and even threatened to hit me. I broke up with him many times and always wound up going back after him begging for forgiveness, professing his 'love', promising he would not do it again. He claimed to be so in love with me and I believed that for a long time. He even asked me to marry him (which I see here a lot of these guys have done). Well, the abuse continued. He has a very short fuse and would become very angry over small things. Afterwhile I didn't even feel comfortable being myself anymore. I would just smile and nod and say whatever I had to apease him/feed his overblown ego. The most recent incident (and the one that ended it all) was very similar to all the others with him being drunk, exploding over something silly which could have been calmly talked out, and becoming verbally abusive and agressive. I realized I could not take this kind of behavior anymore. We haven't talked since then, which I know is a blessing from God. It's strange and sad that, despite all of the anger and ugliness, I actually am grieving the relationship. But like the article said it's a loss and is to be expected. I am learning that I have severly lacked self-love and self-respect, which I am now reclaiming. I dealt with a narcisstic mother and absent father, so (not to fully blame it on them because I played a part in my own self image as well)I did not have a good example of how a woman is supposed to treat herself. I am now committing to loving myself first and taking better care of my mind, body and spirit. I am placing my focus on myself, my child, God and our lives. Those are the only things that will start our lives moving in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

I find all the posts and stories of your lives extremely helpful to understand my own N-experience and see how far the reasons reach back into my childhood experience of N-abuse. Recently I found a comment on a website that stated one's peptide-levels go up when being in N-abuse, so one gets addicted to the mix of idealisation, devaluation, discard. Thinking over this piece of information helped me a lot to understand why the grieving and missing and mourning cycle took so long - I realised I was stuck on high levels of peptide when thinking about the N that dumped me - of course without closure. So, I started to work out, do new things to substitute my peptide supply from the N. After managing to lower the stress that way I went through a phase of Holiday Blues...It finally dawned on me I got severely physically and psycholgically addicted to the horrible ways of the Narc due to my own physical chemistry. I am ADD as well, so I am not surprised about the intensity of my reactions. I personally hypothesise that people with ADD might have higher response to N-treatment. I remember myself being very calm in some sort of way, which I wasnt when peptide-levels sank back to normal.....I hope this helps one of the other.....

All the best to you out there

Anonymous said...

Where do I start. Maybe firstly thank you for recognising the difference between a break-up with a normal person and a break-up with a N. My therapist doesn't seem to understand my anger, and particular pain about discovering my ex is a N. I can only repeat what many people have already said on this web site. My ex was a certain way in the beginning, caring, attentive, respectful, loving and then things started to change. He had erectile problems and when I asked "what are WE going to do about it" he retaliated insulting me and from then on the problem was put in a cupboard. In retrospect I realise he punished me (he never solved the erectile problem) because I had confronted him. I also agree with lots of people who say that the N are envious. My ex didn't show this at first but with time I started to see not so nice character traits. My ex was also into pornography and I discovered this when we still had some kind of sexuality. In the end (after 3 years) I found the strength to leave. He quickly found someone new. I also want to say that they are very good at identifying your weaknesses. In summary, they seduce you and then use you. I want to say that I come from a broken family, my father was an abuser, I have cured myself of anorexia. What I mean is that if I didn't have this background and if I wasn't so sensitive I maybe wouldn't have fallen for this N and/or I would have escaped sooner.

Unknown said...

You will! I was abandoned by a narcissist of three years (we have a two year old ) five days ago, he has started using drugs again and was giving me the silent treatment for days until today he broke in to my apartment and stole a Elmo costume that was meant for our daughters birthday which is in less then two weeks, he left us high and dry no groceries or food, it was extremely sudden but as the actual break up started unfolding I welcomed it because for three years minus the first month he emotionally abused me, put me down at every chance he got, cheated and cheated the whole way trough and just showered me with lies and accusations, caused me intense grief. The last time I tried to leave him he tried to have my child taken away by child services