Deleted from suite 101
Not everyone has this experience in groups, or a bad experience, but this was mine in a particular group. The groups I recommend in the links remain sane and safe, with strong, mature women as managers rather than "gurus" or "wannabees". If you are having a bad experience or are feeling unsafe or invalidated, leave the group!
Date: June 4, 2002 7:35 PM
Subject: Red Flags
After my contretemps with "s", who decided she was fed up with my point of view and got personal, telling me what I was feeling and thinking.......well, I went and had a late lunch with a dear friend..........and then we went to a shoe store and bought some sandals, and it felt so great, so normal and sweet.
And then I thought of the cesspool I had left, here at the suite. My friend said something interesting: she said that when you feel stupid, you want to find a way not to deal with the shame of feeling that way, the way that psychos/Ns make us feel when we discovered we were duped. And because some of us cannot work thru that shame and cannot accept that a relationship with a psycho/N was not a relationship, that one was relating to nothing, they must compensate by making meaning out of it thru forgiveness, as if there were a relationship. In that way, it keeps you connected.
For me there was no relationship so I find nothing to forgive. What happened to me is unfathomable and I don't claim to know exactly what happened. I am willing to go on without knowing what happened, accepting that there was nothing and not pretending otherwise or romanticising, that is my way. H got driven off the board for a similar point of view.
And I realised, in spite of s's nastiness casting me from the pedestal I did not desire, and the cast of perennial Ns and Sam handmaidens that flutter about wanting their view and their way, wanting to be so special and the only one....wanting to be somebody when they know they are nobody and they will do anything for it including cheat, lie and steal......words, ideas, etc. Who have driven decent people off this board by ganging up and with Sam's help and the complicity of this management........
I realised that IN SPITE of it all, I have come a long way. And that finally, this board makes me sick. So the biggest red flag I think is if an atmosphere is making you sick- then you know you are truly healthy and it's time to leave. I realise that there is nothing left here that is worth the pain of posting an alternative view. People want the easy answers, they don't want to live with ambivalence, they don't want to face the abyss that was the LACK of relationship with an N. They want warm fuzzies and psychobabble and ersatz spirituality and romanticism to ease the stark and barren reality. They don't want to give up the illusion that there was a relationship.
Well, this is the place for you, for you will be fed what you wish to hear. And I realised I don't want this any more. I don't want this endless hostility and game playing and stupidity- the cesspool masquerading as "help". I have such a sweet life, I realise, with people who are kind and accepting and especially morally mature. People who make me smile and with whom I can be myself, with whom I can sing and share a great vision. I have everything I need. I have the life that I want. I have arrived.
And in contrast, this place is shrill, nasty, roiling with darkness and anguish that longs for the N's kisses. And there are plenty of Ns on this board to kiss you, never fear. I don't want to do this anymore cause I realise I have a Life. My G-d! Finally, I am free............
I'm unfurling my wings and soaring away. At last.
It makes me weep with joy.
Up up and away!!!!!
LOL! LOL! LOL!
With warmest regards and Love to all those who have remained my stalwart supporters and friends.
If we don't know what we stand for, we don't know what we're willing to live and die for. And then it becomes easy for anyone to persuade us of anything. ©2002, Invicta MA.
[Postscript: I returned once in a while, take a "dip", since healing, I've learned, is a spiral. My my my, I can tell how much I've progressed and how little some things/people have changed! lol! ]